


And I Can't Feel My Fingertips But You Feel Better When We Touch

by Gayformarvel



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Maria Hill Feels, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Red Room (Marvel), Suicide Attempt, blackhill - Freeform, talk of Natasha's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 13:07:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19830853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gayformarvel/pseuds/Gayformarvel
Summary: When Maria and Natasha are laying together in bed cuddled under the sheets, Maria asks her about a scar that leads to her learning about something from Natasha's dark past.





	And I Can't Feel My Fingertips But You Feel Better When We Touch

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has a slightly graphic description of an attempted suicide scene so please be wary when reading. Thanks for reading and enjoy!

Maria was laying on her back contently with Natasha sprawled across her front, their bodies pressed firmly against one another. Natasha had one leg thrown over Maria’s and her head tucked underneath the taller woman’s chin, nuzzled into her bare chest. The subtle movement of Maria’s breathing was pulling Natasha into a sleepy state. Her hands were soothingly stroking the warm skin on Natasha’s back as the smaller woman traced her fingers over an old scar just under her collarbone.

The bed sheet was half covering their bodies, tucked just above the top of Natasha’s tailbone. Maria’s eyes were so close to drifting shut when she felt Natasha pull her head away from her chest to prop it up on her elbow beside her head. 

Maria sleepily blinked up at her and tilted her head at the silent question on Natasha’s kiss-swollen lips. Natasha moved closer to lean down and nudge her nose along the ridge of Maria’s left collarbone.

A content hum left Maria’s lips as Natasha pressed a sweet kiss to the raised skin. 

“Where did you get this?”

Maria let out an amused grumble when she remembered how she acquired this scar. Before answering she tucked a hand into the fiery locks of Natasha’s hair, gently scratching at her scalp and Natasha to let out a satisfied purr. 

“A long time ago in military training. Got nicked with a tac knife during a training drill, the sergeant never let me live it down”

Natasha could feel the chuckle vibrate through Maria’s chest.

Natasha pressed another kiss to the marred skin and laid her head back down onto Maria. The steady beat of her heart lulling her into a blissfully peaceful state.

“Am I allowed to ask about any of your scars?”

Maria asked so quietly, almost sounding hesitant, not wanting to press any boundaries. Natasha nuzzled back into the warm crook of her neck and inhaled a comforting scent that was uniquely Maria.

“You can pick whatever you want, but only one,” she said as she pressed a soft kiss to the column of Maria’s throat.

Maria huffed out a laugh and moved her hands to stroke down Natasha’s back again, trailing her digits down the slope of her spine to settle on the dip of her lower back.

“Seems fair,” she said with an amused smile.

She stayed quiet for a minute, tracing the marks on her back and trying to decide on a scar that seemed unfamiliar. She knew lash marks when she saw them, she has been on the wrong end of a whip too many times to not recognize the harsh jagged patterns that covered Natasha’s lower back.

She then moved to trace her fingertips lightly down the outsides of Natasha’s arms, feeling the thin raised lines that littered her pale skin all the way down to her knuckles in scattered bunches. She gently grasped her right wrist in her hand, turning it over and cradling it in her warm hands.

She let her eyes drift over a single thin white line that stretched from the base of her palm to her mid-forearm as she stoked her thumb over the raised skin. It was out of place compared to the other small scars all across her body. So uncharacteristically neat for it to have been from a mission. The mark was too precise to be caused in a fight.

Natasha stiffened ever so slightly at the curious gaze Maria was giving her wrist. She was really hoping she wouldn’t pick that scar. That was something in her life she would like to remain in the past. She buried that event so deep in her mind she had almost forgotten about the thin mark running from her wrist up to her forearm.

Only one other person knew the real story of that scar, and not by choice, only because he happened to be the only person there at the time. 

Maria felt Natasha’s body tense, barely noticeable even with the way they were pressed against each other. By now she had learned to read Natasha’s subtle body language and understand that if she showed any physical discomfort about something, she most likely was very upset or anxious. It took a while for Natasha to become comfortable showing her real emotions to someone else, to trust anyone enough to be vulnerable again, but it felt so easy to lay herself bare for Maria. 

“I was going to ask about this one, but I’m getting the impression this is not a story you want to tell,” Maria said as she stoked the scar in question lovingly.

Natasha let her forehead rest against Maria’s chest and stayed quiet for a moment, letting the thump of a steady heart-beat calm her nerves.

Maria gently pulled Natasha’s hand up to place a light kiss on the inside of her wrist before she placed it back down and released it, willing to let Natasha have all the time she needed.

After a few more moments of silence, Natasha rolled her head to the side and peered at her as Maria shifted to look down at her. Maria’s curious but loving gaze comforted Natasha more than she could imagine, knowing that Maria would unconditionally accept anything she told her about her past.

Natasha was not nervous of what Maria would think of her, she knew Maria loved her with all her heart. She was worried about having to think about the horrors of her childhood and what drove her to do something awful. She never wanted to have to think about any of it again, but she knew she couldn’t avoid her past forever.

It was time Maria knew.

It was the honest love that reflected in Maria’s eyes that helped her find the courage to tell her what she had spent years trying to forget.

“It was from the night Clint was sent to kill me,” she murmured.

If she was going to tell this story she needed all the comfort she could get, which is why she shifted to lie completely on top of Maria, wrapped her arms snuggly around her middle and rested her cheek against her warm chest. Maria tightened her grip on the Russian in her arms, she could sense her need to feel safe and wanted to do everything to provide her the comfort she seemed to want.

Maria waited for Natasha to settle again completely. She brought a hand up to gently hold the back of her neck and rubbed at the exposed skin behind her ear to urge her back into her story.

Natasha huffed out a warm breath against her skin as she prepared herself for Maria’s reaction.

“I was a wanted rouge agent on SHIELD’s radar, operating erratically and causing a threat to everyone around me at the time, so they wanted to scratch me off. When I was on the run from the Red-Room and the KGB, I was lost and confused. I escaped into a world that I never knew could exist, but I was just a kid at the time. I had no idea what I was doing all alone. I took whatever jobs I could find, just trying to keep my head above the water. SHIELD didn’t like that I was a free-lance operative, and I guess they got some intel about a job I was working, so they sent Clint out that same night.”

Maria frowned at the thought of Clint being sent to kill his now best friend. She stayed quiet, continued to lovingly caress her neck and back as she told her story. She listened with intent and focused on every word; it wasn’t every day that Natasha talked about her past. In fact, she almost never did. All Maria knows from her past is what she read from her file and bits and pieces said in whispered confessions late at night.

“I wasn’t in a good place after I got away, alone after having left everything I had ever known in flames behind me. The things I did Masha… I didn’t know how to handle that. I still don’t sometimes, but I was younger back then, stupid.”

Maria softly rubbed her back in reassurance, gliding her warm hands up and down the curve of her spine in a soothing rhythm. She held Natasha even tighter as she placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

“I made a mistake that night, one I’ll regret for the rest of my life,” Natasha murmured, her voice lowering to a somber tone.

Maria didn’t like the sound of where this was going. 

“You know I’ll love you no matter what Nat,” she says into Natasha’s hair.

Maria ignored her own worries as her thoughts raced, Natasha needed her too much right now to lose herself to her own emotions. She had to be strong for the both of them.

“I want to tell you. I really do, I just,” she cut herself off with a sniffle, ‘it’s just… It’s something I never wanted to think about again. I’m sorry.”

The sight of tears rolling down Natasha’s cheeks jarred Maria. She knew how much pain this memory must have caused to bring her to tears. She furrowed her brow as she gave Natasha a gentle squeeze.

“You don’t have to apologize, it’s not your fault. You don’t have share anything you don’t want to, I’m sorry I asked in the first place,” Maria murmured softly as she rested her cheek on top of Natasha’s hair.

Natasha inhaled a shaky breath as she willed her head to stop spinning at the vivid memory of watching blood trickle down her wrist until it dripped off her fingertips. She could still feel the sting of the metal opening her skin, how cold the blood felt after a little while. She stayed silent for a long sorrowful moment as she tired her best to ground herself. The strong arm wrapped around her waist and the gentle fingers that stroked the nape of her neck helped pull her out of the flashback. 

Maria felt truly guilty for bringing up such an awful memory for Natasha.

Once she had calmed down enough to speak again, she did her best to tell her everything. Her voice was so small and raspy when she was finally able to get the words out.

“When Clint came through the window of the hotel room, I had already done it. He just stood there staring at me so confused, like he thought he was in the wrong room at first. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing, I don’t blame him… I was just sitting on the edge of the bed staring down at the knife I was holding in one hand and the blood dripping onto the floor from my other arm. I didn’t even notice he was there until he grabbed the knife out of my hand…”

Maria chest ached so bad it hurt, the kind of feeling that freezes your blood and radiates down your spine all the way to your toes. She couldn’t even speak, because if she did it would be a sob that escaped her mouth, not the words of love and comfort she wanted to engrave on Natasha’s skin so she could read them every day and know that she was worth everything.

“It was too much; I didn’t know how to fix what I had done or make up for it. All the killing, the blood and the missions. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was nineteen years old and the thought of surviving one more day seemed impossible. I had ruined so many lives, killed so many people at the mercy of my own hands. It only seemed fair that my hands be the ones to take my own life…”

Maria just stroked the soft skin beneath her fingers as Natasha continued, held on to her for dear life and never wanted to let her go again.

“Apparently I was near verbally unresponsive when Clint was able to get the bleeding under control. I don’t remember a lot after that, but I do remember him talking to me all the way through the extraction before I passed out. Don’t know what he talked to me about to keep me conscious, he has never been too keen to remind me,” she finished with a loud exhale.

Maria felt the rush of warm air across her skin and shivered. She nuzzled her nose deeper into Natasha’s hair and kissed her head again. Natasha seemed to struggle with what to say next as she fidgeted with the silver arrow necklace she always wore. She ran her thumb over the metal and stared down at it with a haunted look.

“If it wasn’t for Clint… I wouldn’t be alive today. He saved me that night, got me to a SHIELD hospital and never left my side for about a week. As much as the man annoys me, I owe him my life,” she murmured the last part with the arrow of the necklace still clutched gently between her shaking fingers.

Maria cupped Natasha’s face in her hands and guided her to look up into her eyes. When Natasha saw the matching tears on Maria’s cheeks, she reached up and wiped them away gently with the pads of her thumbs. Maria pulled her even closer until their forehead were resting against each other, until they were breathing the same air.

“Thank you for telling me this Nat. You are so brave and strong, and I’m so proud of you,” she whispered softly.

Natasha still had a few tears running down her face, but her lips tugged up into a slightest smile at Maria’s praise.

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” she whispered back, her lips inches away from Maria’s.

Maria tipped her head up so their lips were brushing softly, silk against silk.

“I love you so much, you mean the world to me,” she murmured against her lips before sliding her hand into Natasha’s hair and pulling her into a deep kiss.

Natasha cupped her face in both of her hands as she returned the kiss eagerly, still reeling from the admission of her past, but so relieved overall to not share the burden alone anymore. She sighed into the kiss as she thumbed over Maria’s cheekbones. The deep desperate kisses started to slow to a gentler and more passionate pace, their mouths sliding slowly against each other.

Eventually, Maria broke the kiss off with a soft peck to her nose. Natasha’s smile grew as she pulled back to look into Maria’s intoxicating blue eyes. Despite the flushed skin and drying tear tracks on Maria’s face, she thought the brunette had never looked more beautiful.

“I love you too Masha.” 

Three weeks later when everyone was assigned back to the hellicarrier, Clint had found himself being called into the Assistant Directors office for an unknown page. He thought it was particularly odd because first, they usually assign him missions through his handler and second, he knew for a fact that he defiantly was not Hill’s favourite agent on board. 

So, when he walked into the office expecting a scolding for whatever he did, but he honestly couldn’t even remember doing anything stupid enough recently to draw her attention, he was confused when he was met with a warm smile.

“Agent Barton, please have a seat,” Maria greeted him.

Clint squinted his eyebrows as he tried to decide if this was some sort of prank. He hesitantly sank into the chair opposite Maria and carefully folded his hands into his lap.

“What can I do for you Commander?”

Seeing ‘Hard-Ass-Hill’ actually smile at him was starting to concern him. For a brief second, he thought that maybe he was getting fired, that she had finally had enough of his antics. That was the only reason she could look so damn happy to see him.

Yes, he was Maria’s girlfriends best friend, but that never seemed to deter the woman from raining down hell-fire of him after the great prank-war incident and numerous other situations Barton had put himself into.

“It appears to me that based on your outstanding work here at SHILED, I have granted you a penthouse room on the ship. You basically live on this thing, so enjoy your new room, you’ve earned it,” she grinned as she handed Clint his new room key.

He just started blankly at her for a moment, not seeming to understand a word she said.

“Uhm… thank you? Wow, that’s… Thanks,” he said trying his best to put a smile on his face when he was obviously very confused.

He slowly plucked the key from her outstretched hand and stared back dumbly at her. She cleared her throat and raised an eyebrow at him expectantly.

“Oh, yeah. I’ll be on my way now,” he said awkwardly as he stood up and walked to the door to leave.

This might have been one of the weirdest encounters Clint has ever had at SHILED so far.

“Barton, one last thing.”

He stopped and cringed.

“Mam?”

He glanced back at her slowly like he was expecting her to take it all back and yell at him for something like usual but was pleasantly surprised when her smile still seemed friendly.

“Thank you for what you did for Natasha all those years ago. For the kindness you showed her, I owe you everything. You saved Nat before I had ever gotten the chance to know her, and then you brought her back so I could meet her. You’re a good man Barton, and a fine Agent. Keep up the good work,” she said with an honest expression.

She looked so grateful. Now Clint understood what was happening, so cracked a smile at her.

“Just doing my job mam. I don’t know what I would do without Tasha to keep me in line around here,” he grinned back at her and slid out the door.


End file.
